Steve Rogers Story: Modern Royalty Chapter 17 — Fractured Identities

 

Chapter Seventeen: Fractured Identities

 

Bucky sat in the waiting room, the sterile white walls and soft thrum of the air conditioner offering little comfort as he waited for his turn to see his therapist. He had been searching tirelessly for Sarah for weeks, haunted by the memories of their last encounter and the nightmares that followed.

 

Across from him, a familiar face caught his attention. The girl he had noticed during previous visits was there again, her eyes watching him with curiosity and concern. He could feel her gaze on him.

 

Bucky shifted uncomfortably in his seat, feeling exposed under her scrutiny. He wondered what she saw when she looked at him. A soldier broken by loss and uncertainty? A man desperately clinging to hope? Perhaps she’d seen the headlines: “Winter Soldier’s Wild Bar Brawl”.

 

As he sat there, lost in his thoughts, the brunette offered him a small, sympathetic smile. It was a gesture of understanding, of shared experiences in this place of healing. Bucky managed a faint smile in return, grateful for the silent connection in their shared struggle.

 

---

 

“James, you look terrible. Have you been sleeping?”

 

Lost in a spiral of thoughts, Bucky barely registered Doctor Raynor’s words, the sound of her voice fading into the background as he wrested with the unsettling sense of déjà vu. There was something about the girl in the waiting room. A familiar aura that tugged at the darker corners of his memory. Was it possible that he had encountered her before, perhaps in another life or a distant memory he couldn't quite grasp? The more he pondered, the more elusive the answers became, slipping through his fingers like grains of sand.

 

“James…? Are you listening to me?”

 

“Huh? Oh, yeah.”

 

“Yes, you’re listening, or yes, you’ve been sleeping?”

 

Bucky’s thoughts lingered on the girl in the waiting room, her presence a haunting echo in the recesses of his mind. It was a feeling he couldn't shake, a nagging sensation that potentially whispered of a deeper connection.

 

“Are you using the pills I prescribed? Do they help at all?” Doctor Raynor tried again.

 

“Yeah... yeah, they’re helping.”

 

“Do you think this is my first day? I know when you’re lying.”

 

With a heavy sigh, Bucky raked his hand through his hair, leaning back on the sofa with a huff. “The pills don’t work. I fall asleep for a while and then…”

 

“And then…?”

 

Bucky responded with an indifferent shrug, his gaze fixed on a point somewhere beyond her shoulder.

 

“The nightmares… Have they stopped?”

 

Doctor Raynor watched Bucky closely as she posed her questions, her eyes searching for any sign of engagement. But Bucky’s responses were limited to shrugs and shakes of his head, revealing more about his reluctance to open up than his willingness to engage. Frustrated by the lack of verbal response, she sighed inwardly, opening her notebook to jot down her session notes. It was clear that getting through to Bucky would be a challenge.

 

“Ugh, again with the notepad,” Bucky groaned. “I’m not feeling very talkative today. Why’s that so bad? Does that suddenly make me a threat?”

 

“James, you’ve been granted a conditional pardon, provided you attend these sessions. And by ‘attend’, the US government certainly didn’t mean that you show up and just sit on my couch. You’re required to participate. Give me something to work with. Help me help you…”

 

In spite of Bucky’s eye roll, Doctor Raynor’s expression softened as she observed his struggle.

 

“You know, guilt and remorse are complex emotions. They have profound effects on mental health. Our morality, personal values, social relationships…”

 

Bucky furrowed his brow, intrigued by Raynor’s words. "What are you saying, doc?" he asked, his curiosity piqued despite his initial reticence.

 

“Why don’t you tell me? What do you make of your nightmares?”

 

“Isn’t it obvious? Sarah’s out there, God knows where… She could be hurt. I’d never know… If only I’d kept my damn mouth shut.”

 

Raynor nodded, jotting down her notes as Bucky finally opened up to her. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

 

“James, Sarah’s a grown woman. You’re not responsible for her leaving. I can understand your need for redemption, your deep desire to make amends for the harm caused while you were under Hydra’s control… But I will not sit here and allow you to–”

 

Raynor stopped herself from continuing along her current train of thought. Above all else, she had to remain professional.

 

“Allow me to, what?” Bucky frowned.

 

“No… No, you’re not here to talk about your relationship with Miss Carter.”

 

“No, say what you were about to say,” he insisted, leaning forward on his elbows.

 

“I’m not giving you my opinion on your romantic relationships. I’m here to help you heal from your past and assist you along your journey of self-discovery.”

 

“C’mon, Doc, that’s not what I pay you for…”

 

“You don’t pay me at all, James. S.H.I.E.L.D. does.”

 

Bucky let out a deep, resigned groan. “Would you just tell me what you’re thinking? There aren’t many people I can turn to with this.”

 

Raynor prided herself on her professionalism, maintaining a strict boundary between her personal feelings and the needs of her patients. She was adept at keeping her emotions in check, offering unbiased guidance and support. However, with Bucky, she found herself grappling with a wave of sympathy that was difficult to ignore. His vulnerability and the sincerity in his baby-blue eyes touched something deep within her. Despite her training to remain detached, she couldn't help but feel a genuine desire to assist him on his journey toward healing.

 

“Very well… But remember, you asked for my opinion… Sarah seems like a delightful young lady. She’s talented, obviously very beautiful… but I just don’t think two people, both struggling with their identity, make for a healthy relationship.”

 

“Struggling with identity? What do you mean?”

 

“Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity.”

 

“English, Doc.”

 

“She values herself only as others value her… Often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs… And while you’re still wrestling with the trauma of your past experiences as the Winter Soldier, rediscovering your true identity remains somewhat of a challenge. I see it in every one of our sessions. You question who you truly are. You constantly battle inner turmoil to define yourself beyond your past. James, you’re smack-bang in the middle of undergoing a process of humanisation and self-discovery. An emotionally fragile actress is not what you need right now.”

 

“So, you’re saying our relationship’s doomed?”

 

As Bucky latched onto the tail-end of Raynor’s explanation, she quickly realised the need to pull on the reins. Her words had struck a chord with him, igniting a spark of anxiety in his eyes. Sensing his concern, she gently redirected him, steering the discussion back to a more structured and controlled pace. It was essential to maintain a balanced approach, allowing Bucky to explore his thoughts and emotions autonomously while ensuring that the session remained focused and productive. Though the urge to dive headfirst into the psychological chaos of Sarah Carter remained at the forefront, she knew that pacing was key to their progress together.

 

“Let’s put my opinion on the back burner for a second. Tell me about what happened at the airport when you went searching for Miss Carter.”

 

“That wasn’t my fault! They kept pestering me, asking all these personal questions,” Bucky jumped, raising his voice.

 

“Naturally,” Raynor nodded. “They’re paparazzi…”

 

“No, but this guy really got in my face. Was I just supposed to take it? I’m not allowed to stand up for myself anymore? For Sarah, for Steve…?”

 

“James, you’re in the public eye now. Not only as an Avenger but as Sarah Carter’s partner. Those guys will say and do anything to provoke you if it means getting a good picture.”

 

In truth, fame had never appealed to Bucky. The intense media scrutiny, the attention, the paparazzi. He valued privacy and found the constant surveillance overwhelming and distressing. The demands of the public eye, with its constant exposure and external pressures, were at odds with his inherent need for inner peace and tranquillity.

 

“Doc, I didn’t do anything. I barely raised my voice.”

 

“That so? You’re telling me what happened at the bar a few nights ago had nothing to do with it? You and Samuel just happened to be out for the night at the same bar as the paparazzo?”

 

Bucky blanched at Raynor’s accusatory words, the previous week’s headline flashing through his mind again: “Winter Soldier’s Wild Bar Brawl”.

 

“Those assholes had it coming…”

 

“James, you’ve caused four men to suffer concussions! You can’t justify your way out of this.”

 

Doctor Raynor had Bucky beat. They both knew it.

 

“Do you see where I’m going with this?” she asked with a tilt of her head.

 

“…yeah…”

 

“Do you see how unhealthy this is?”

 

“…yeah…”

 

As Raynor observed Bucky’s reaction, she could almost see the exact moment he shut down, his expression closing off as he retreated inward. Sensing the impact of her words, she seized the opportunity to drive her point home, her voice steady and firm.

 

“Miss Carter’s need for validation, coupled with your desire to atone for past actions as the Winter Soldier, could inadvertently lead to enabling your tendency to prioritise protecting and rescuing her over addressing your own emotional needs. Not only could this create pressure on your relationship, but it’ll also hinder your growth.”

 

She maintained a compassionate yet resolute demeanour, hoping to encourage Bucky to reengage in the therapeutic process and confront the issues that weighed on his shoulders.

 

“You are my patient, James. I’m afraid Miss Carter’s identity struggles will create unrealistic expectations about your relationship and your ability to provide emotional stability. In which case, you’ll fail to meet those expectations and grapple with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. You’ve come so far… I don’t want to see you regress.”

 

---

 

Bucky’s phone buzzed repeatedly as he stepped out of Doctor Raynor’s office, the notifications from Steve demanding his attention. With a furrowed brow, Bucky glanced down at the screen, reading the urgent texts.

 

“Hey. Any luck with Sarah?”

 

“Listen, hold off on asking the Carters for help. You don’t know them like I do. They’re not trustworthy.”

 

“At least, not when it comes to Sarah.”

 

Bucky’s agitation grew as he pondered the implications of Steve’s warnings. Why would he be cautioning him against involving the Carters? They had always been supportive of Sarah and her choices.

 

Sure, Bucky had witnessed Lily’s blurred boundaries between Sarah’s personal and professional life, and, given his enhanced hearing, couldn’t help eavesdropping on a conversation between Lily and Cece over finances and Sarah’s celebrity status. He suspected their combined fear is what drove their relentless pursuit of success. Perhaps that’s what Steve was hinting at? That they overlooked the psychological toll of fame, and prioritised external markers of success instead of addressing Sarah’s emotional challenges?

 

Steve’s warnings about Sarah’s family sent a chill down his spine, unrest settling in the pit of his stomach. Despite his confusion and concern, he couldn't deny that Steve’s words held weight. He had, after all, a longer history with them. Unsure of what to do next, Bucky stared at the screen, his mind racing with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

 

---

 

Meanwhile, at 6 am in Sydney, Australia, the first hints of daybreak began to streak across the sky. The streets were still quiet, the gentle bustle of early morning traffic yet to break the peaceful silence of the dawn. However, in Lily Carter’s hotel suite, it was anything but peaceful.

 

“Casey, it’s 6 am over here. What could you possibly want from me at this hour?” Lily barked over the phone, seething over the fact that she’d missed out on a complete REM cycle.

 

“I want to know where the hell Sarah is, that’s what! I am working around the clock to push this new narrative. Winter Soldier’s Wild Bar Brawl. Have you seen the article? They’re not making my job easy.”

 

“I know,” Lily sighed. “She’s going through something. Give her a week.”

 

“A week? Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how much can change in a week? She could kill her career in a day, in a second, let alone a week!”

 

“I know.”

 

“Well, then work with me, Lily! You seem to know everything, but what are you actually doing other than flying to iconic beaches? Look, I can work with Barnes chasing after her and beating up paparazzi in bars… That’s a story I can spin. But I need her front and centre to remain relevant. She can’t keep pulling these disappearing acts; it’s hurting both our careers.”

 

Lily knew the implications of Sarah disappearing from the spotlight. A celebrity going dark without explanation only ever fuelled rumours and speculation, making it challenging for publicity teams to control the narrative.

For the past year, Lily and Cece recognised the potential for a very specific storytelling arc. The juxtaposition of good girl, Sarah Carter, romantically linked to newest Avenger and bad boy, Bucky Barnes, creating a narrative bubbling with drama and controversy. Add to that the quintessential bad boy undergoing personal growth, being tamed by the good girl, and you have yourself a ton of media buzz and instant brand identity. It was an enticing strategy, a trope they simply had to capitalise on.

 

“I’m not sure what you expect me to do. You know how stubborn she is… We got the boy. They’re officially involved. What more can I do? This is your job. We pay you to figure all this out,” Lily spat, reminding Casey just who was in charge.

 

“And that’s great. Barnes gives her that edge we predicted… Good girl, bad boy…”

 

“And you don’t think that’s enough?”

 

“Enough?” Casey scoffed. “She’s still a cookie-cutter princess. I need drama. Give me tragedy, give me sex. Hell, give me danger!”

 

“I’ll see what I can do…”

 

“It’s for her own good. One day, she’ll thank you.”

Lily felt a pang of guilt as Casey’s demanding voice crackled over the phone. Sarah was missing, undoubtedly wrestling with personal turmoil, yet all they cared about was shaping her next public narrative. The reality of her and Cece’s exploitation momentarily overwhelmed her, a reminder of the dual role she played in Sarah’s life—both aunt and manager, each demanding a different allegiance. As she released a sigh, promising to do what she could, an internal conflict brewed among her nurturing instincts, her professional obligations, and, of course, the Carter legacy.

 

It took less than five seconds for the Carter legacy to come out on top.

 

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